Difficult Conversations: How to Talk About Menopause
Menopause can be difficult to talk about. Not because there is anything embarrassing about it, but because it can affect some very personal parts of a relationship, mood, confidence, sex, sleep, body image, energy and the way you communicate with each other.
You may have noticed changes and not know whether to mention them. You might be worried about saying the wrong thing. Or you might feel that bringing up menopause is suggesting that something is “wrong” with her.
The answer isn't to avoid the conversation. It's to approach it differently.
Before you start the conversation, understand the basics. Know what perimenopause and menopause are. Know some of the common symptoms. Understand that hormonal changes can affect mood, sleep, energy, memory, confidence and sex drive.
You don't need to become an expert. But knowing the basics means you're approaching the conversation with understanding rather than assumptions.
Read the plain-language basics →“I think you're going through the menopause.”
“I've been reading about menopause because I've noticed you seem to be having a difficult time, and I want to understand what you're going through.”
That's a very different conversation.
- ✕Don't bring it up in the middle of an argument.
- ✕Don't raise it immediately after she's snapped at you.
- ✕Probably don't start while you're both getting ready for work.
Find a calm moment when you have time to actually listen. A walk, a coffee, sitting together in the evening, somewhere that doesn't feel like a confrontation.
The aim isn't to have the menopause conversation. It's to start a conversation.
Keep it simple. Then stop, and let her answer.
“I've noticed you've not seemed quite yourself recently. I know there can be a lot going on with menopause, and I've been trying to understand it better. How are you feeling?”
“I've been reading a bit about perimenopause because I want to understand what you're experiencing. Is there anything you're finding particularly difficult at the moment?”
“I don't want to make assumptions, but I wondered if menopause might be playing a part in how you're feeling. I'm here if you want to talk about it.”
Even if you're convinced her symptoms are caused by menopause, you don't actually know. She may be dealing with something else. And even if menopause is contributing, she may not be ready to talk about it.
“It's definitely your hormones.”
“You're obviously menopausal.”
“I've been reading about this and you've got all the symptoms.”
Nobody wants to feel like they've just been diagnosed by their partner. Instead, be curious.
“Could menopause be part of what's going on?”
This can be difficult. We hear a problem and instinctively start looking for the solution. But sometimes she doesn't need a solution from you, she needs you to understand what she's experiencing.
“I'm exhausted. I haven't slept properly for weeks.”
“You should go to bed earlier.”
“That sounds horrible. Is there anything I can do to make things easier?”
You don't have to fix menopause. You just need to avoid making her feel like she's dealing with it alone.
Don't assume the conversation has failed. If she becomes defensive, remember that the subject may be touching something very personal.
- ·She may already feel frustrated with her body.
- ·She may be worried about getting older.
- ·She may feel that she's losing control of herself.
- ·She may feel misunderstood.
- ·Or she may simply be having a bad day.
You don't have to win the conversation. You can say:
“I'm not trying to criticise you. I'm trying to understand and support you.”
And if now isn't the right time, leave it there. You can come back to it later.
This is often the conversation couples find hardest. If sex has changed, don't start with blame.
“Why don't you want sex anymore?”
“I've noticed things have changed between us, and I don't want you to feel pressured. I'd really like to understand how you're feeling.”
What may be going on:
- ·She may be experiencing a reduced sex drive.
- ·She may be exhausted.
- ·She may be experiencing vaginal dryness or pain.
- ·She may feel differently about her body.
- ·Or there may be absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship.
The important thing is to make sex something you can talk about, rather than something neither of you mentions.
Once you understand menopause, it can be tempting to see it everywhere. Don't. If she's angry with you, she may simply be angry with you. If she's upset, listen to why. If there's a genuine relationship issue, deal with it as a relationship issue.
Understanding menopause should give you more empathy, not an excuse to dismiss what she says.
One of the most useful questions you can ask is simply:
“What would help?”
Menopause can last for years, and symptoms can change. So don't think of this as one conversation you have, tick off and never mention again. Keep checking in, small conversations can be much easier than one enormous conversation.
“How have you been feeling lately?”
“Is anything particularly difficult at the moment?”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Not answers. Not solutions. Not a diagnosis. Knowledge, patience and curiosity.
You don't need to understand exactly what she's feeling. You just need to be willing to understand. Because sometimes the most reassuring thing a woman can hear from her partner is simply:
“I know this is difficult. I'm here. Let's work it out together.”Open the Script Bank